Anonymous wrote:

Assalamou alaykoum Shamsa,

So, I am 23 and currently a student in my final year. I’ve been thinking about marriage for a little while and I think i am ready. But the thing is my family is quite conservative and I know that they expect me to marry someone who is the same nationality even the same tribe as me… I wouldn’t mind if I actually met a decent man who matches but realistically the chances are pretty low as I have been living abroad for a few years now for the purpose of my studies and there are not many people from my country here. Personally, I believe in putting the deen over the culture and and don’t mind marrying from outside as long as he’s a good man. I am very shy when it comes to interacting with the opposite gender. So I have 2 questions:
1- How do I meet people(potential husband) in a halal way of course(keep in mind no family to supervise)
2- How to deal with my parents in the case I would be interested in someone from a different cultural background
JazakAllah khair for your time and keep up the good work 🙂
Wa alaikum salaam sister,
I hope you are well. JazakAllah khair for reaching out to me 🙂
Before I go any further, let’s remember that the person you will marry is already written and Allah (swt) is in control of all things. It is important to remember this because it stops us worrying and stressing. However, we must also ‘tie our camels’, so it’s great that you are thinking about how to find your elusive husband-to-be 🙂
As you are very much ‘alone’ in your search for a husband, it is important that you are extra careful when searching for a spouse. There are so many strange people who are looking to prey on vulnerable people. I’m not trying to scare you, but reminding you so that you don’t fall for anyone’s charms, especially as you are shy around the opposite gender and may not have experience of dealing with them.
The safest method for finding a husband is probably to ask at your local masjid. Many mosques have marriage services, and it would be the easiest place to start. Also, there are many online Islamic matchmaking sites, some more ‘halal’ than others. Two that I have heard to be good are Pure Matrimony and Halfourdeen.com, however I have no personal experience of either so you will need to research them yourself. Please take extra care when searching for a spouse online, and ensure that you get references on any potential spouses and make thorough background checks.
The only other option that comes to mind is through word of mouth. Let friends or acquaintances know that you are ready to find a husband and ask them to keep an eye out for any decent guys.
The important thing is to explore all avenues, and don’t be embarrassed, everyone needs to get married.
In terms of your parents acceptance of a husband of a different race, it is important that you know about their position before you consider potential spouses. If your preference is someone of a different race, I guess you could drop hints when you speak to your parents; maybe tell them that there’s hardly anyone of your own race where you are currently staying. If your parents are dead set against you marrying outside your race, it will make your life much more difficult if you do find a decent guy who is a different race. There are many girls and guys who are struggling to marry outside their race, and sometimes it’s easier not to get involved with other races if you know your parents will never accept it. Yes, Islamically, we can marry any race, but many parents follow a cultural Islam and are extremely stubborn so it is up to you how much of a fight you can put up.
All the best in your search for a husband, stay positive and patient in sha Allah.
Lots of love, Shamsa xxx

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