Anonymous wrote:

Salam alaykum dear Shamsa,

I wanted to seek your advice on a certain matter. My family are very hot-headed people and over the years, as a result, I have become Mahatma Gandhi with the patience i have with them. However, i have been recently hurt by my family and their harsh words and lack of appreciation for me. I have been nothing but a good friend and good daughter to my parents and my brother. But time and time again, i am hurt by their words and behavior.

I feel like the only way i can get away from their negative energy, which really puts a toll on me is to move out inshallah. I am 22, female and will be starting to look for work in September after i finish my studies. Do you think this is a wise idea? How can i separate myself from their negativity otherwise? What would u do if u were me?

I have tried speaking to them. I truly feel that they suck my energy and happiness out of me sometimes. I feel unsupported by them & underappreciated.

Any help would be appreciated.

Jazakallah khair

Wa alaikum salaam my dear sister.

I hope you are in the best of health and iman. I am truly sorry to hear of your situation and your feelings of despair due to your family not treating you the way that they should.

Firstly, you must remember that you will be rewarded for every time that you deal patiently with your family. No action goes unnoticed by Allah (swt), whether that is a good action or bad action.

“Verily, he who fears Allah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon (good‑doers) to be lost.”

(Surah Yusuf, Verse 90)

Negative people and negative energy is extremely difficult to deal with, and it can have an impact on your own mental health and happiness so it is very important to look out for yourself without abandoning your family. You need to sit down and make a list of all your options. If I was in your shoes, I would ask myself whether moving out is the only way I can get away from my negative family. Would it be worth it in the long run? Living on your own comes with it’s own trials and tribulations, and you will have to ask yourself whether you can afford it and if it will have a negative effect on your faith. Could you possibly fill your time with hobbies/socialising/volunteering so that you don’t have to be around your family so much?

Continue to treat your family with love and respect and do spend quality time with them, but as soon as the conversation becomes negative try to change the subject and, if that doesn’t work, get some space from your family. Also, try to focus on the good traits of your family rather than focusing on the negative (although this is probably easier said than done). No human is perfect, we all have our flaws, and sadly we cannot choose our families but we have to learn to deal with them in the best way possible.

I hope this advice has helped you somewhat, and all the best.

Love, Shamsa xxx

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